When That Holiday “Bonus” Is a Pink Slip
Getting laid off during the holidays is a major soul suck, but so many people are in the same barnacled boat. It will test your mettle and can really wreak havoc on your emotions. But as the days go on and you no longer feel like your stomach has flopped out of your butt, causing you to then slip and fall on your own innards, things start to feel normal again. Life goes on. And bills still need to be (barely) paid.
I’ve compiled these six facetious tips to get you through this festive season with your sense of self-worth (and humor) intact:
1. If you had planned on getting your roots touched up so you’d look all glamorous for those obligatory holiday photos – don’t do it! Save your money and suspend disbelief for a moment: Pretend you’re a Kardashian sister, telling people, “I have ‘ombre hair,’ biatch!”
2. When your student loan interest statement comes in, don’t panic. Open the letter very slowly– preferably near an open trash can that reeks of last night’s Chinese take-out – and then let it fall from your dirty fingers onto that congealed beef low mein. While you look down at the insurmountable debt printed on the paper like a literary Molotov cocktail, just think of George Bailey — remember him, from It’s a Wonderful Life? That guy had it rough — also during the holidays — but by the end, he’d seen the proverbial light and realized how fortunate he was. Invoke his voice (and one of his famous quotes) as you slowly close the trash can lid, saying, “Merry Christmas, you wonderful old (student) loan!” Then drop kick the can out the door. Problem solved!
3. Catch up on your favorite DVDs, preferably while inebriated. Because nothing is more fun than watching Tootsie, Mommie Dearest, Xanadu and Anne of Green Gables while deliriously drunk on Marilla Cuthbert’s “currant wine.”
4. Allow yourself time to grieve. Go ahead: just stare at the wall while all of your financial responsibilities level you like a steamroller. But please don’t consider suicide, thinking your soon-to-be-canceled life insurance policy will cover it. They usually don’t, even if you end it all while you still have coverage.
5. As you look over your health insurance information, which is now referred to by the scary name of “COBRA,” ask yourself one question: Is the Affordable Care Act website up and running yet? Then just throw your hands up in the air in defeat and go on your spouse’s expensive insurance. If you have a significant other, that is.
6. Just relax! Use this time to find out who you really want to be! Have you ever considered becoming a chainsaw artist, like The Runaways’ Cherie Curry? She seems happy. It’s all about being a renaissance person. So find your inner talent and just go do…it.